Supporting someone with depression can make a significant difference in their healing process. However, the words you use when interacting with someone experiencing depression are crucial. Depression is not a choice or something someone can simply “snap out of.” It is a formal mental health diagnosis that often requires professional support.
While well-meaning, certain words or phrases may come across as dismissive or invalidating. Understanding what not to say is an essential step in providing genuine care and empathy.
Words to Avoid When Supporting Someone with Depression
If someone you care about is living with depression, it is important to be mindful of your words. While you may have good intentions, phrases that minimize their experience or lack understanding can cause harm. Here are some common statements you should avoid when supporting someone with depression:
“Everyone is going through something”
Depression is not the same as facing a challenging day or a stressful life event. While everyone may experience stress or emotional struggles at times, depression involves more than that. It is often influenced by a combination of biological, emotional, and physical factors.
Experts have identified potential contributors to depression, including:
- Chemical imbalances in the brain
- Unresolved grief or trauma
- Physical conditions or chronic illnesses
- Side effects of medications
According to Oddesty K Langham, a licensed clinical therapist, “Depression significantly impacts a person’s ability to function and interact in life.” Saying that everyone is dealing with something can make a person feel invalidated or misunderstood. It fails to acknowledge the reality of their experience, which is far more complex than having a few bad days.
“You just need a drink”
While it might seem helpful to suggest a fun distraction, phrases like “you just need a drink” can do more harm than good. People often misunderstand depression as being about feeling down or having consecutive bad days. However, depression is not something that can be resolved with temporary solutions like alcohol.
In fact, suggesting alcohol can be dangerous. Some individuals with depression may already struggle with substance use as a coping mechanism. Langham explains, “People living with depression are more likely to develop a substance use disorder due to factors like low self-esteem and insomnia.”
Instead of suggesting alcohol, you could invite them to engage in healthier, supportive activities. A walk in the park, watching a comforting movie, or simply being there for them can help without reinforcing harmful coping mechanisms.
“Cheer up!”
Telling someone to “cheer up” oversimplifies their experience. Depression is not about choosing to feel sad or unmotivated. It often requires professional treatment, and even then, recovery can be a long and challenging journey.
Langham points out, “Depression can cause prolonged sadness and an inability to find joy or pleasure in life. It can also make basic tasks, like maintaining hygiene, very difficult.”
Asking someone to cheer up is like telling someone with a broken leg to walk it off. It disregards the severity of their condition and implies that they are not trying hard enough to feel better. Instead, acknowledge their feelings and offer your support by simply being there for them.
“Many people go through worse”
Comparing someone’s struggles to those of others can be particularly harmful. Depression does not depend on how “good” or “bad” someone’s life appears. Even if someone has everything they need, they can still experience depression due to factors beyond their control.
When you say, “Many people go through worse,” it can increase feelings of guilt, isolation, and loneliness. People with depression may already struggle to understand why they feel the way they do. Invalidating their experience by comparing it to others can make them feel misunderstood.
Langham emphasizes, “Saying this can cause someone to withdraw further, as it reinforces the belief that no one understands their pain.”
Instead of minimizing their experience, show empathy by listening without judgment. You do not need to relate to their feelings to offer support. Simply acknowledging their pain can help them feel less alone.
“You’re being selfish”
People with depression may not act like themselves. They might struggle to keep up with social engagements, work responsibilities, or even basic self-care. While this might affect their relationships, it is important to understand that these behaviors are not intentional.
Depression often drains a person’s energy and capacity to function. Langham explains, “A person dealing with clinical depression is likely having a hard time managing their own life. They are not selfish; they are unwell.”
Accusing someone of being selfish can make them feel ashamed or further isolated. Instead, try to offer support with patience and understanding. Let them know you are there for them, even if they cannot meet your expectations right now.
How to Offer Meaningful Support
Knowing what not to say is only part of the solution. Offering support with compassion and empathy can help someone feel understood and valued. Here are a few ways you can help:
- Listen without judgment: Sometimes, the best way to support someone is to listen. Let them share their thoughts and feelings without offering solutions or advice.
- Validate their experience: Acknowledge their pain and struggles. Phrases like “I’m sorry you’re going through this” or “That sounds really hard” can make a difference.
- Offer practical help: Depression can make everyday tasks overwhelming. Offer to help with small things like cooking, cleaning, or running errands.
- Encourage professional support: If they are open to it, suggest seeking help from a mental health professional. Offer to help them find resources if needed.
- Be patient: Recovery takes time, and progress might not be linear. Continue offering support, even if they seem unresponsive at times.
Conclusion
Supporting someone with depression requires empathy, patience, and understanding. Words have the power to heal, but they can also harm if used carelessly. Avoid phrases that minimize or invalidate their experience, such as “everyone is going through something” or “cheer up.”
Instead, offer your support by listening, validating their feelings, and encouraging them to seek help. Remember that depression is not a choice, and those experiencing it are doing the best they can. By being mindful of what you say, you can make a positive difference in their journey toward healing.
Your support and compassion can help them feel less alone. Small gestures of kindness and understanding can go a long way in showing someone with depression that they are valued and not alone in their struggles.
